So I finally watched a second movie.  What took me so long?  Well, since you asked.  I’ve been catching up on The Walking Dead.  ”What’s The Walking Dead?” you ask.  If you have a Netflix account, you need watch the first season of the zombie series.  After you do that, I guess you need to watch the second season too.  It’s not on Netflix, but it sucks anyway.  But I’m not here to talk about The Walking Dead.

I’m here to talk about Back to the Future.  I technically could have used the I’ve Already Seen This So I get to Watch a Different Movie Rule, but I haven’t seen this movie in the longest time, and I hardly remembered any part of it.  So I didn’t.

I watched the movie late last night.  When it was over, I didn’t feel like posting because I was tired and had a headache.  My internet connection wasn’t great last night, I guess, so the images were coming in choppy.  No amount of buffering could help.  It was a little irritating.

The film was exactly how I remembered it.  A cute little film with a lot of funny moments.  I bet the more timely bits, like the ones about Ronald Reagan were funnier in 1985 than they are in 2011.  Still pretty good.  And I especially enjoyed the extra little touches that added to the film.  Particularly the part with Chuck Berry and Johnny B. Goode.  It was also a good choice too.  Elvis Presley came to fame in 1956, so they could’ve chosen to use him, but I like the use of Chuck Berry more.  A little more fun for me.

Anyway, here are some thoughts or observations:

• Did not remember Lea Thompson playing his mom.  She was most notably Ms. Thompson, the evil dance instructor, in The Little Rascals.  Most notably to me anyway.
• Also didn’t remember Crispin Glover, aka Creepy Thin Man, playing his dad.
• While watching The Scott Van Pelt show the other day, they asked, “If time traveling were possible, wouldn’t we already know it?”  I brought that up to one of my friends, and she said that’s not necessarily true.  She said this time period could just be some time to which people don’t want to come back.  I disagree.  If time travel were ever perfected, I’m sure that scientists or historians would come back to observe.  Unless they were afraid of affecting the future.  Hmmm….
• Don’t get me wrong.  I liked the movie.  I just have some problems with the ending.  I understand that it’s cute.  I appreciate that.  However, if Marty changed his family’s whole future, then wouldn’t he walk into his room and find a different, more successful Marty sleeping in his bed?  If you couldn’t affect the future going into the past, then there would be the same you there when you return; however, if you go back into the past and can change the future, then wouldn’t there be a different you?  I mean Marty was starting to disappear.  I just don’t like the premise that you could change the past except for some parts.  Why would they still have the exact same kids?  I get that they’re different, but they look the same and have the same name.  Don’t you think his parents would name their first son Marty because he helped them meet?  Or wouldn’t they tell Marty that he looks exactly like this guy they knew for like a week in 1955?  I don’t care if this doesn’t make sense.  It makes sense to me.

Whatever.  I’m hungry, and my mom just walked in with Wendy’s.  Hope everyone catches Norwich v. Spurs in half an hour on Fox Soccer Channel.  COYS!

Zwei, drei, vier; one, two three it’s easy to see, but it’s not that I don’t care so.

Before we get started, here’s the cast of the film:

• Gabriel Bryne as Dean Keaton
• Kevin Spacey as Roger “Verbal” Kent (from Se7en, Pay It Forward, etc.)
• Chazz Palminteri as U.S. Customs Special Agent Dave Kujan (whose voice you’d recognize, but he’s also been on Modern Family)
• Stephen Baldwin as Michael McManus (aka The Other Baldwin)
• Kevin Pollack as Todd Hockney (or Walter Matthau’s son in the Grumpy Old Men series and Laney Boggs’ father in She’s All That)
• Benicio del Toro as Fred Fenster (from Traffic and Snatch)
• Pete Postlethwaite as Mr. Kobayashi (Father Lawrence in Romeo + Juliet, Spyros in Clash of the Titans, the dad on the deathbed in Inception)
• Giancarlo Esposito as FBI Special Agent Jack Baer
• Dan Hedaya as Sergeant Jeff Rabin (….. Buggin Out in Do the Right Thing)
• Peter Greene as Redfoot the Fence (one of the criminals in The Mask, Zed in Pulp Fiction)

Overall, I think this was a great way to start the road down 100 movies.  I was debating between watching this and The Ten Commandments because Stephen A. Smith referenced it on ESPN’s First Take this morning.  Before I decided on a movie, I asked one of my roommates who was home.  He said he saw what I was doing, but he thought I was watching ten movies.  Not 100.  Clearly he didn’t read.  Anyway, I read the list, and when I got to The Usual Suspects, he was surprised I had never seen it.

So I had high expectations going into this film.  Like I said earlier, this film, on the most part, lived up to those expectations.

I’m no film critic, but I do know a little bit about working with a camera, and I found the camera work really impressive.  I thought the movie was shot really well.  As far as characters go, Kevin Spacey does his typical fantastic job playing a creepy guy.  The most excited I got while watching the film was when Benicio Del Toro’s character was lying dead on a beach, though.  An hour into the movie, it was a relief to know that I didn’t have to hear his irritating accent anymore.

Because I’m no critic, I’ll only focus on the plot and the storytelling; although, I must say the score was amazing, as they always seem to be with good mystery films.  The one gripe I have with the movie is it gives away its ending too early.  Like at the very beginning.  The opening shows this man walking down the stairs of a pier who then proceeds to kill a guy we later find out is Dean Keaton.  The killer has some words for Keaton, and Keaton asks the time.  The killer tells him.  The problem is that you can recognize Spacey’s voice.

I will say the writer does a good job of trying to fool you.  Without going into too much detail, Spacey is picked up at the pier by police and held for questioning.  The whole film is a flashback voiced over by Spacey’s narration; it’s neo-noir.  Through the questioning, the audience learns that Keaton is in fact a criminal mastermind named Keyser Söze, and the only reason he got this gang of criminals together was so he could kill this guy on this boat who knew his identity.  As Spacey is telling the cop that he saw Keaton die, the camera zooms in on this pole with ropes and crates around it that Spacey claims to be hiding behind.  The camera did this same movement at the beginning of the film, so you kind of doubt yourself a little about the plot.  The beginning was what was supposed to throw me off, and this is the plot twist.  ”YOU DIDN’T REALLY SEE HIM DIE!?!” the cop yells at Spacey.  Spacey fools the cop into believing that he was fooled by his trusted friend, Keaton, whom he knew for six weeks, but he doesn’t fool the viewer because he’s too good of an actor, so it comes across as fake.  Spacey made bail and leaves the precinct.

Wouldn’t you know it?  As soon as he walks out, the cop realizes that Spacey’s whole story was made up because he looks at the wall behind him and the cup out of which he drank his coffee, and a fax arrives of Keyser Söze’s picture that was drawn from a person’s description who survived the ship blowing up.  Oh yeah, the ship blows up.  Sousey wanted to blow it up because that guy was going to rat him out, and the people he was going to tell were Hungarians that tried to take over Sousey’s coke business in Hungary a long time ago.  He did the natural thing and butchered them all.  And his family, too.

As he’s walking out, Spacey, who had walked with a gimp the entire movie, began to walk normal.  And he got into a car just as the cop made it outside.  The criminal mastermind got away.

This movie had the potential to be great.  It was pretty good.  Don’t get me wrong.  It’s just irritating that lingering throughout the whole movie in the back of your head is that Spacey ends up killing Keaton, so the whole plot twist thing never really transpires.  If you can’t distinguish Spacey’s voice, you’ll love this movie.  Except maybe not now after I ruined it for you.

It also doesn’t help that he was a Turkish Keyser and not a German Kaiser.  Anyway this was a good way to start.  Next up is either Sleepless In Seattle, Cat Ballou, Jerry Maguire, Dial M for Murder, Big, Back to the Future, Scarface, Judgment At Nuremberg, the aforementioned Ten Commandments or a movie of my choice.

In an effort to ensure that I post to this blog more regularly and that I actually have some free time for myself, I’ve decided to undertake a movie project.  It’s pretty simple.  I watch movies and then write about them.  Instead of just picking movies, watching them and writing my thoughts (which I know y’all would love because I’m pretty much a movie critic), I will use the American Film Institute’s 10 Top 10 lists.

It breaks down the top 10 films in the following categories: animation, romantic comedy, western, sports, mystery, fantasy, sci-fi, gangster, courtroom drama and epic.  I’ve taken the liberty to eliminate the animation category because I’ve watched nine of the 10.  Then only one I haven’t seen is Fantasia, and I really have no desire to do so.  Instead of watching the 10 animated movies, I will choose 10 movies from AFI’s 100 Years 100 Movies list.

Each category is ranked, but the movies are not ranked, so I will watch movies in an ascending order within each category, but the movie I choose can be in any category.  In the event that I’ve already watched a movie on the list, then I will substitute that movie with another movie from the top ten list.

The first movie I watch can be Sleepless In Seattle (romcom), Cat Ballou (western), Jerry Maguire (sports), The Usual Suspects (mystery), Big (fantasy), Back to the Future (sci-fi), Scarface (gangster), Judgment At Nuremberg (courtroom drama), The Ten Commandments (epic) or a movie of my choice.  I’m open to suggestions, and since my next exam isn’t until Thursday, I may get started soon.

My friend wrote this article about my other friend.  I suggest you read it first because you won’t understand why I’m doing this.  Anyway, to make the process easier for my friend, I decided to write my own Campus Cutie bio that she is welcome to use.

Name: The Kaiser

Hometown: Charlotte, NC

Major: Electronic Communications and German Literature with a minor in philosophy, political science and economics

Favorite Coldstone Flavor: None. Take me to Baskin-Robbins.

Favorite Study Spot: Our house in the middle of our street.

Fun Fact: False teeth are often minutely radioactive.

Motto: Come on you, Spurs!

How would you describe your personality? I’m probably the sweetest, most caring person I know.  People have told me that.  Well, one person has.  My mom.

Celebrity Crush: Emma Watson. I would let her play with my wand any day. No seriously. My wand. I bought an Elder Wand on eBay yesterday. I’d like for her to teach me how to use it.

Most important thing you look for in a girl? A personality. I’ve spent too much time with dolls. They get dull after a while.

Turn-offs: They say beggars can’t be choosers.

Sexiest Trait: My mom says I’m a very handsome boy, so everything I guess.

Perfect Date: You know, at this point, any date would be great.

I also wanted to apologize that I haven’t updated this but a couple times throughout the semester.  I’ve been busy, but that’s no excuse.  I have a project planned that will force me to post on this blog more regularly.  Get stoked! excited!  Screw Stoke!  COYS!

Now is no time to be funny.  If you haven’t read the Pennsylvania State Grand Jury Report on the Jerry Sandusky case, you need to.  You may not want to, but you should.  You may feel nauseated throughout, but you have to read all 23 pages.

I initially decided to write about this because I had to point to make.  After actually reading the report, I don’t know what to think.  Several emotions are overwhelming me simultaneously.  Anger, hate, confusion.  Every sort of emotion I feel to some degree somehow.  If you’re familiar with the situation at all or have read the report, you know how I feel.

Every person involved with this is culpable and subject to ridicule.  That’s for sure.  Players are even involved.  Dan Connor, a Carolina Panthers linebacker who played at Penn St., was suspended while in college for making prank phone calls that rose to harassment of a former member of the Penn St. football family.  People are speculating that it was Sandusky and that players knew about his acts to some degree.

These reports are just speculation, but they’re scary.

Joe Paterno and other members of the athletics department were fired yesterday.  Rightfully so.  It’s tough, but Paterno couldn’t coach and represent the university again.  It had to be that way, ESPN says.

I agree, but there is one thing I have to say to people casting stones: put yourself in the situation.  This article on Men’s Health offers an explanation as to why even though many people knew something about the scandal, none of them went to police.

The only comparison I can make is to Nazi Germany.  When I went to Berlin over the summer in 2010, I took one class at the Freie Universität Berlin called Seduction and Terror: The Third Reich.  While taking that class and visiting various museums, landmarks, etc. in Hitler’s capital, I couldn’t help but thinking one thing: if I was a teenager in Nazi Germany, I would be a Nazi.

It’s easy to think that I would stand up to the Nazis and offer some sort of resistance.  But then I realize that I would have been indoctrinated in Hitler Youth, that every publication would praise Hitler and the Nazis and blame Jews and that my neighbors were sent to concentration camps for not flying the Swastika.  If I am still convinced that I would fight the Nazis, and there were many people who did, I would think about my family.  I wouldn’t want to put them in danger.

No one knows exactly what he or she would do in the situation.  I still like to think that I would befriend Hans and Sophie Scholl, but I really don’t know.  And that’s the scary thing.

So today, instead of spending time yelling about Paterno and Penn St., I ask that you volunteer with the Boys and Girls Club or some organization.  Just so you can be sure of one thing: that for the hour you were there, kids weren’t hanging out with Jerry Sandusky.

There are many ways to grade success, but there’s only one correct way: the number of Tweets you’ve had retweeted.

When I first got a Twitter, I wasn’t exactly a winner.  I had one RT.  That was on October 14, 2010.  ”Bieber calls out Brady on his hair? Now I think I have Bieber fever.”  Here’s a video.  One friend found that worthy to retweet.  Not great.

Then I went into a lull.  November and December were retweetless.  A dark time in my life without question.  Don’t worry.  I started to learn this Twitter thing and got onto a couple RTs per month roll.  It started in January.

January 25: “You have no idea how excited I am that #Thundercats are trending. Best show ever! SIGHT BEYOND SIGHT!”  It was announced at this time that there was going to be a rebirth of the Thundercats series.  You didn’t know how excited I was, but now you will.  I watched about five minutes of the premiere.  And by five minutes I mean like two.  NO I DON’T WATCH CARTOONS, I’M AN ADULT!  One person found this worthy to RT.  I’m not sure who it was, but it was probably a stripper or porn star.

February 9: “Imagine how bad it’d be if Kendall (Marshall) was making his shots and the refs were making the right calls. +10 more points?”  This was during the UNC-Duke game at Cameron Indoor Stadium (aka Mordor).  Again, only one person, a friend and fellow Tar Heel, found this RT-worthy.  Then we blew a big first half lead.

February 13: “If those are Lady Gaga’s real shoulders, then I wish she weren’t born that way. #grammys”  I was watching the Grammys.  Lady Gaga looked weird.  Shocker.  PS-If you haven’t seen Weird Al’s parody, you should.  Again, though, only one person retweeted.

March 5: “Dook fans complaining about the refs. That’s how a game’s supposed to be called. Well, most of it. Point is yall get away with murder. #heels”  We destroyed Duke at home to win the ACC.  I stormed Franklin on crutches.  Still, only one person found this retweetable.

April 19: “#Feilhaber’s trending, but #Woody #Durham is retiring. #goodnewsbadnews”  I was a little hashtaghappy.  This was when it was announced that Benny Feilhaber was coming to the MLS.  Oh you don’t remember that?  You don’t watch soccer?  Shut up!  (I didn’t say anything. #meangirls)  Oh, and Woody Durham announced that he was retiring.  I wasn’t hired as the next voice of the Tar Heels.  Yet again only one person retweeted this.  Sensing a trend?

April 28: “My problem with the Panther’s pick is they are exactly the same. A horrible team with a possibly good QB who needs time to sit.”  Easily one of my most astute comments ever.  One person retweeted this.

June 2: “@sportsguy33 Sie sollen Ihr Deutsch verbessern. Ich kann nicht verstehen, was Sie sagen.”  During the NBA finals, Bill Simmons was German-happy.  My tweet was in response to his, which reads: “Ich habe in meinen Stücken von LeBron und Wade kot.”  Literally translated: I have my pieces of LeBron and Wade kot.  Kot is not a German word.  Maybe not a word in any language.  One person retweeted me.  It wasn’t Bill Simmons.

June 23: “I feel like I’m living the end of Ocean’s 13. Except I’m not Brad Pitt and Granville isn’t George Clooney. ‘See you when I see you.’”  I had just finished working Roy Williams’ Basketball Camp for the third straight year.  I thought it was my last.  Because I wasn’t hired as a varsity manager for this upcoming season, I was right.  Another dorm staffer who was leaving Granville for probably the last time retweeted me.

June 25: “Mexico is dirty. #GoldCup”  We were getting destroyed by Mexico in the Gold Cup.  And they were playing their typical dirty style.  Rafa Marquez was the worst offender of all.  Only one person retweeted me, but it wasn’t a friend or a prostitute.  So good news.

Then I learn Twitter.  And become successful.  The fact that the Women’s World Cup was going on has nothing to with the increased RTs.

July 2: “Yeah Tobin! Go Heels!”  Tobin Heath went into a match.  Only RT from a friend.

July 5: “#Whose #Line should definitely make a comeback. With all the great comedians out there!”  If you’ve watched the new-look Whose Line, you know that this is my second most-intelligent tweet just behind the Cam Newton one.

July 7: “Emma Watson’s not as attractive in the first one… #Watching #Harry #Potter”  I lied.  I wasn’t really watching Harry Potter.  I saw it trending and wanted to have my funny little comment.  Mission accomplished.  Only one person retweeted.  Siska Caroline.  I still don’t know who that is.

July 10: “Hey Erica, if you didn’t stay down the game would’ve been over 2 mins into extra time. #shameonyou”  This was during the USWNT’s remarkable comeback against Brazil.  Twitter was abuzz during the Women’s World Cup.  But that’s not important.  What’s important.  Two people finally retweeted something I tweeted.

July 10: “Keeper’s 3 for 3 for coming off the line.”  Still the Women’s World Cup match against Brazil.  This was during the penalty shootout.  The Brazilian keeper came off the line on every shot taken by the Americans.  We were just blowing it by her.  Retweeted by one of my four friends.

July 10: “#goheelsgoamerica”  We won.  Retweeted by the same friend.

July 10: “Thank you Anson Dorrance!”  For giving the USWNT their roster.  Ok, it’s not as true now as it used to be, but still.  Retweeted by one person, but it wasn’t that same person.

July 20: “@ItsNJ_AllDaY704 bro gun #whitepeoplehobbies #BRO!”  That’s all I have to say about that.

July 25: “#Dear #Taylor #Swift I love you.”  Sorta.

July 26: “@Justin_Page I kinda wish they could just put the Tar Heel D on one team, so I can watch what I didn’t get to last year.”  We were talking about undrafted Tar Heels signing with NFL teams.  This is still the part that annoys me the most about the NCAA and school investigations.  I really couldn’t care about the likely Orange Bowl appearance or possible BCS Championship Game appearance.  Those would’ve been awesome, but what I hate the most is that I can’t tell my grandkids what it was like to watch the greatest defense ever play football.  At least it gives me a good 30 For 30 topic: The defense that never was.  Also, it was retweeted by two people.

And then things got back to normal.

August 25: “Xavi y Messi Two greatest soccer players on the planet. (Notice no mention of Christiano.)” Ronaldo sucks.  Retweeted by 11 people!  Eleven!  See, people like soccer.

September 8: “Two days in a row in the @dailytarheel #famous”  After the tornado on September 7, the Daily Tar Heel had the tornado as the front page article.  It also had Twitter comments about the tornado.  Kais3r_Wilh3lm was got on the exclusive list with, “Any willing to be the Helen Hunt to my Bill Paxton? #twisterpickuplines”  Including tweets on the front page elicited this editorial.  This tweet was retweeted by two people.

September 17: “I don’t care for Mayweather or Ortiz because the Pac Man would destroy them both.” Four people retweeted this, so I guess some people still care about boxing.

September 19: “Mike Tyson. That’s all I have to say…” I don’t have more to say.  Just watch this.  Retweeted by two people.

October 2: “Just informed that Steve Smith has 40 less yards this year through four games than he had last year…”  Clearly I was right with that April 28 tweet.

October 2: “Mark Sanchez and Joe Flacco are competing to be the worst QB tonight.”  This was during the Jets-Ravens Monday night game.  Bill Simmons said it better.  He said, “Sanchez and Flacco should just start flinging poop at each other.”

October 6: “Had him for newswriting. Truly brilliant. Had him for newswriting. Truly brilliant. http://www.dailytarheel.com/index.php/.”  Dr. Shaw is probably the smartest person I know.  It was an honor to learn how to write from him.  And before you start to judge him by how I write, just know that this isn’t how he taught me.

October 14: “That awkward moment when the Loreleis don’t sing the National Anthem…”  At Late Night with Roy, the Loreleis came out to sing.  They sang the National Anthem before the volleyball game that was before LNWR.  Everyone thought they were going to do it again.  Not many people were there for the volleyball game anyway, so they didn’t know the National Anthem had been sung.  Then the lead singer started whistling.  Everyone was confused, and people started to sit down.  It wasn’t quite this awkward, but it got close.

October 16: “Sad news. Sometimes you forget how dangerous racing is. espn.go.com/racing/indycar…”  If you don’t know what this tweet is referencing, I highly encourage you to click on the link and read the story.  It’s a terrible story.

October 19: “#ThingsWeAllHate dook…” Enough said.

To summarize, I have been somewhat successful with my life so far.  The more I tweet the more successful I am.  And I’m sure some of you still don’t have a Twitter because you think you’re too cool for it and that it’s dumb.  Well, you’re dumb.

Well, 1,500 words have gone by.  I think I’ve said enough.  Be sure to comment.  ON THIS AND NOT ON FACEBOOK.  BOTH, ACTUALLY.  I’m speaking to you, Timbo Slice.

I made it to Fall Break.  Oh, what a relief!

It’s been a while since we’ve talked.  Yes, by “we” I mean my readers and me, and by “talked” I mean I post and you read.  Or scroll to the end.  And click “like” (I think there’s some button) and comment.  Yes, by “readers” I mean my mom.

I’m going to begin this post with a warning.  You know how most posts start off with a topic then divulge to me talking about nothing?  Well, this one’s going to be worse.  I really don’t have anything to talk about.  But for the first time since I arrived in Chapel Hill the Saturday before classes started, I have some free time.

(Kaiser, what have you been doing with your time?)  Well, let me tell you.  In as few words as possible. (Yay!)  Many things.  Now the elaboration.  (NOOOOOOOOOOO!)

In case you haven’t heard, the journalism profession isn’t doing so hot.  There aren’t many jobs available.  So you have to have a really impressive resume when you graduate.  So I’ve been doing lots of journalistic things to boost my lackluster resume.

First, I’m sports editor for Blue & White, a monthly campus magazine.  It’s great.  I think you should read it.  Especially the next issue, which should be out soon and has articles on Dean Smith and Everett Withers.  Not only has editing been time consuming, but I’m writing too.

I also volunteer with Carolina Week, the Emmy award-winning student newscast through the journalism school.  It used to be more time consuming when they actually let volunteers do things.  Now all I really do is videotape the football games.  Eventually, I’ll put together a video with all the highlights I took and put it on YouTube.

I’ve had to upload videos on YouTube for class.  Shooting and editing these projects for Audio & Video Information Gathering is time-consuming.  It could be worse.  I’m already familiar with the software, and that helps.  Unfortunately, the cameras we get to use aren’t, well let’s just say they aren’t top of the line.

I’m also taking Media Law.  Ok, Intro to Media Law.  It’s not as bad as it sounds, and I actually really enjoy it.  It’s making me consider law school.  And it’s also given me a good idea for an Honors Thesis that I will be writing next year through the German department.  I would like to compare the U.S. and Germany.  More specifically, I want to compare court rulings related to religion in the schools.  Aren’t you excited to read that.  In German.  Maybe.  Another good thing about Media Law is it allowed me to talk (tweet) at Bomani Jones about Hank Williams, Jr.

Another big thing I do is You Make the Call.  It’s a show on Student Television that is about to get pretty legit(imate).  We’ve moved to the Carolina Week studio.  This move will make the show look so professional that I’ll probably use it in my reel.  In addition to doing all the Executive Producer stuff, I’m a regular panelist.  Which usually means I have video proof of me sounding like an idiot.

Oh, another class I’m taking is Voice and Diction.  For those of you that don’t know, my career goal is to become a play-by-play broadcaster of soccer.  (I was about to study abroad in London this spring, but I didn’t get a scholarship and can’t afford it.  Oh well, at least soccer’s big here.)  What I’ve learned: I suck at this and will have to work a long way to get there.  No big deal.  Just a dream dashed.

The last regular activity I do is volleyball.  I play on the men’s club volleyball team.  Ok, the other guys play, and they let me join.  To be fair, I’m a lot better than I was at the beginning of last year, and if I hadn’t destroyed my ankle, I’d be better too.

That might not sound like much, but every day I have at least one activity.  Except Fridays.  But then I have to shoot the football games.  Which are usually at noon because, guess what, Carolina football still isn’t good.

I know this isn’t the typical post.  It wasn’t funny.  (Are any of them?  Ever?)  Fine, it didn’t attempt to be funny.  But it’s been a while since I’ve posted, so I wanted to let you know what I’ve been doing, why I’ve been away.  Oh, I’ve also tried to focus on my Spurs blog with limited success.

Now that you’ve arrived here, I’d like you to post what you’ve been up to.  Unless you’re someone I don’t care for.  Which is basically everyone.

Tim Tebow, I’ll come to your emotional rescue.

You might be asking yourself, “Why would he go to Tim Tebow’s rescue?”  There’s a very simple answer.  We have so much in common.

“You mean beyond the good looks, washboard ab, biceps, strong jaw, impeccable public image, God-like status in Gainsville, Fla.?”  Yes.  Although I share having two biceps and one ab with Tim Tebow, we have even more in common!

………..

That was a dramatic pause to keep you waiting.  I know you can hardly bear it.

Tim Tebow and I have both been criticized by Merril Hoge.  You didn’t click that link, but if you haven’t heard Merril Hoge is a football analyst, and Tim Tebow is a football player.  An aspiring one at least.  Hoge said last week that Tebow has about as good a chance of being a professional quarterback as I do.  After the ankle injury.

Because you wouldn’t click the previous link, please click this one.  There’s question about whether or not Hoge has a right to criticize Tebow.  Well, he’s an analyst, so that’s his job.  And he knows a lot about football.  Watch this play.

Before you start crying for Tebow, let me tell you about UNC’s basketball camp.  Specifically about my first time working Roy’s camp.  To say that I was a little nervous would be an understatement.  Just like saying Emma Watson is attractive is an understatement.  Ok, I’ll stop.

Anyway at camp you sit on a hallway and ignore children as best you can.  (There’s no better contraception than camp counseling.)  During the first night of camp, after the children eat their dinner (aka ice cream and soda) then go to the grocery store on the site and get energy drinks and candy (so you know they’re calm), this man approaches me.  It turns out to be Merril Hoge.  I’m a regular viewer of Sunday NFL Countdown, so I knew it was him.  He started talking to me.

MERRIL HOGE WAS TALKING TO ME!

“There’s a pizza in my son’s toilet.”

You know that scene in 500 Days of Summer?  No, not that one.  The one where Joseph Gordon-Levitt unknowingly goes to Summer’s engagement party, and it has the split screen of his ideal and his reality.  Well, let’s just say, “There’s a pizza in my son’s toilet,” wasn’t the ideal conversation I would have with Merril Hoge.

The ideal?  After talking for several minutes: “Wow, Will, you know lots about football and have a great broadcast voice, would you like to sign this contract to work for ESPN?”  Yes, yes I would.

But I had to deal with a clogged toilet.  He went on to explain that he thought his son’s suitemates purposely put a pizza and other things in the toilet to clog the toilet.  He proceeds to take me to the room in question.  Yup, there was pizza.  Yup, the toilet was clogged.  I took one look at it.  Ok, I lied.  I took two.  Then I said over the walkie talkies, “There is an emergency on” whatever floor I was on.  (I got yelled at later.  ”Don’t say ‘emergency’ over the walkie talkie!”)

After my great counselor work (using the walkie talkie), Hoge took me in the other room.  All the kids were seated on the beds in one room.  Terrified.  Not because I was there.  He was giving me suggestions about what I should do.  I went into the room and start talking to the kids.  I didn’t yell at them.  It would have had no affect.  I just start asking, “Why did you do that?  Who did that?  Etc.”  They weren’t rhetorical questions, but the kids thought they were.

Seventeen seconds later, Hoge storms in and starts yelling.  It’s effective.  Explicit also.  The kids were trembling, but no one would admit to anything because Hoge would have literally ripped his face off.

I was just as scared as the kids.  Hoge and I left the room.  In the hallway, I apologized.  On the camp’s behalf and my own.  And my face’s.  He assured me that it wasn’t a problem.  ”Kids were just being kids,” he said.  Then he added, “You can’t be an NFL quarterback.”

Dreams crushed.  It was like he was taking my dream away from me.  Tim Tebow, I know how you feel.

I hate Derek Jeter.  Both of my friends know this.  Why?

• He’s one of the worst fielding shortstops ever.  I won’t even provide a link for that.  I just ask that you google: Derek Jeter worst defensive shortstop.  You actually don’t have to because I did it for you.  You’re welcome.
• He’s a Yankee.  This isn’t a North-South thing.  He’s a New York Yankee, a franchise that is one of the many reasons why I hate baseball.  Reason number one?  Baseball itself.
• He’s a Yankee.  North-South thing.
• He’s a Yankee.  I could be wearing a ring or two if I were the Yankee shortstop.  (I’m not good at shortstop.)
• Also, he’s a punk moneygrabber.

“RimeTime, all athletes are punk moneygrabbers.”  Yes, I know, but Jeter has this squeaky clean image that he doesn’t deserve.  He has done countless things over the years that proves he’s about himself not the team.  Remember when the Yankees signed A-Rod, one of the better defensive shortstops?  Yeah, Derek Jeter made him play third base because it’s his team.  (“RimeTime, I can count to one.”  Shhh!)

What about last summer when he signed a new contract?  Jeter was so offended at the three-year, $45-million contract offer from the Yankees.  Earth to Derek, you’re 37.  He ended up signing for $51 million over three years with a $9 million player option for a fourth year.

That deal might not seem bad now (I hate him, but he’s good … at least he was), but by the end of it, he’ll be a harming his team.  It’s okay, he’s a team-first player.  He’ll move to left field.  Just like he moved when A-Rod arrived.

The Yankees took some undeserved criticism for their offer.  Fifteen million dollars a year is much more than Derek Jeter deserves at this point of his career.  ”But he’s an All-Star,” you might say.

Which brings me to my next point.  No, not that his All-Star selection was undeserved, but Mr. Teamleaguefanseveryoneexceptmefirst couldn’t attend the game because he was tired.  Playing baseball for a living and earning $15 million a year is much worse than working for 36k.  Don’t mind that he was healthy enough to play Saturday and pick up his 3,000th hit.  Or that he was recovering by hanging out on the beach with Minka Kelly (you know, Autumn from (500) Days of Summer).  ”You’re just jealous.”  Yup, but still.

I hate Derek Jeter, and I don’t think everyone else should love him like they do.

Well Step 2 for soccer’s domination of the United States has started according to plan.  That step is the NBA lockout.  Step 1 is the NFL lockout.  Steps 3 through 259320734834 are specific to the MLS.  For example, Step 57289 is changing Real Salt Lake’s name.  (You probably read that as “Reel” Salt Lake, but you said it wrong.  It’s “Ray-Al” Salt Lake.  You know, so all five of the Hispanics in Salt Lake City could feel at home.  I’m kidding.  It’s Step 3.)

For all the things that could go wrong during the NBA’s lockout, there is one ginormous (I used that word to link to a clip of Will Ferrell as Buddy the Elf describing New York’s toilets, but I couldn’t find it.  You’ll have to settle for Dr. Steve Brule’s interview of his brother, which puts my interview of someone who looks like me to shame.  Also, check out his wine and sushi critique.) benefit that could happen if everything falls into place and if the NBA plays its cards right.  Although it won’t happen, I’m going to tell you anyway.  Just so you get upset when my dream isn’t fulfilled when people play basketball in the US again in two years.  Misery loves company.

Before I can start (“Ugh!”  Shut up.), let me explain something.  That something is the greatest competition in the world.  You didn’t click it, but that’s a link to some great goals from the 2010-2011 UEFA Champions League.  You didn’t click that either, so I’ll explain.

The Champions League is a 32-team tournament.  It’s similar to the World Cup in that it progresses from group play to a knockout stage.  The difference is that teams play their opponents at home and as a visitor instead of at a neutral site.  One country doesn’t “host” the tournament.  It’s played throughout the season.

Qualification for the Champions League is determined by league standings.  Better leagues send more teams.  Some leagues only send the champion.  Others don’t send anyone directly to the 32-team group stage.  There’s a tournament beforehand for clubs from less prestigious leagues to qualify for the tournament.  It all culminates in what is the biggest spectacle in sports.  The only reason the World Cup might be bigger is that all Spanish people support Spain, but half of them hate Real Madrid.  (Pronounced “Ray-Al”, but at least people there actually speak Spanish.)

So what does this mean for the NBA?

Well, it’s likely that there will be no NBA next season.  Not a certainty but a likelihood.  Anyway, that means there’s a year to fix some things.  There’s also a year of basketball in Europe and Latin American countries and other countries around the world.

According to this article on RPIRatings.com, foreign players took up about 14% of NBA roster spots last season.  RPIRatings.com, though, doesn’t count foreign players who played college in the US as “foreign”.  Maybe these players 60+ players return to their homelands for the 2011-2012 season.  Maybe other top NBA stars go abroad to play for a season.

Maybe the NBA realizes that the way to go global is not by creating a “European Conference”.  Berlin Blitzkrieg anyone?

Maybe the NBA instead creates its own version of the Champions League.  An in-season tournament of the top teams from around the world.  That doesn’t sound good to you?

I realize that for several years, this tournament would be dominated by NBA teams, but, hey, games aren’t played on paper anyway.

I also realize that NBA seasons are already so long and players say so many games.  Here’s an idea: forget the NBDL and expand NBA rosters.  That way rookies would get some playing time if Larry Brown was their coach.

I even realize that NBA basketball isn’t exactly played around the world.  Ever watched Olympic basketball?  Well, I think we could find some way of making that work.

Finally, I realize that there already is a basketball champions league.  It’s called the Euroleague.  But NBA teams can’t play in the champions league.

Lockouts aren’t the best, but sometimes they allow leagues to make necessary improvements.  That was true for the NHL.  Hockey is much more exciting now.  Sure, you’re not watching, but the NHL doesn’t care about you.  Let’s hope that one of the improvements to the NBA is an international club competition.